I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
