Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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