Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
