Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
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I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
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just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.