Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm getting married
To pizza
Randomize
