I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
