idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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