i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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