KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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