I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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