there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
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Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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