You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
