You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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