fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
