im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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