i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
