no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
