I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
