It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
