Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
