Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
