his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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