he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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