please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
