just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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