Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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