He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
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You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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