just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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