see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Are my feet made of real feet?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
