my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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