I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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