I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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