My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
