I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You're earring is so big in my mouth
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
