You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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