I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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