I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
