I love black thongs
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
