in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
