just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
