you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
