i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
