I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
