I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
