I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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