I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
