i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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