last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
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Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
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Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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