I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
