just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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