My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
