we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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