mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
