she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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