i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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