I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
