Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
