regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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